Stump Grinder

So I wrote this article for the Independent, but it's kind of funny how it happened. I was looking for a job for what seemed like forever, and decided to hit up my friend who works as an editor there for some advice about writing jobs around town. Jokingly, I offered to write an article for the Independent about how I can't find a job. He thought this was a good idea, so that's what I did. It was never published, however, so I'm just going to put it here:


"After graduating from UCSB last December, I have been fruitlessly trying to join the workforce. I found myself asking why I worked so hard for four years to earn a once-hallowed piece of paper that no one seems to care I have. I’m not looking for a dream job, or even an entry-level job; I have been applying to even the dirtiest of menial service jobs.

My search began with Craigslist and newspaper classifieds. I sent over thirty emails a day to ads that vaguely and impersonally described some admin or restaurant job without any name or number and rarely got a response. With no way to follow up but to send more emails, there’s no way to get an edge in the competition. To top it off, half of the ads I responded to turned out to be internet scams. I would receive automated emails back asking for me to input my personal information onto a sketchy website that popped up more windows for similar web sites promising me some office job, or worse, some work-from-home job. To take out my frustration, I sent them angry emails, verbally wagging my finger.

Alas, upon finding an ad for a barista at Tuttini’s, I decided to drive there and apply in person. But when I got there, even though the ad had been posted for a few hours, the manager, Deborah Morin, was already out of applications. Morin had me write down my name, number, and brief description on a blank white scrap of paper. I returned twice more, and both times they hadn’t yet been able to sort through all the applications. She explained they had over 80 applicants and that it would take “over a week to set up appointments.” When I asked her if she thought this was because she went through Craigslist, she told me, “Yeah, it’s great, we wouldn’t have had more than twenty responses otherwise… but it’s hard to get through them all.” I told her she should hire me on the spot to spare herself the work, and she laughed. Great for her, irksome for me.

I became increasingly disheartened the more effort I put into job hunting. Employers have so many applicants that they only really consider those who have previous experience. With over 80 applicants in one day, who can blame them? After a few nights at the bars and some venting, I decided to check out UCSB’s Career Center.

Through advisor Joann Salvador, I learned that the Career Center advisors help you find a job, beef up your resume, or administer personality tests to see which industries are good for you. These services are not always free, however. It costs a student $15 to take the personality test and $60 if they want the “deluxe package” — personality test, meetings with an advisor, and a nice fancy printout of positions that match your results. In addition to coughing up extra dough, they cut you off three months after graduation. Then graduates pay per appointment through the alumni association. I have to wonder: with what money?

Santa Barbara offers only a few decent temp agencies. I picked Office Team based on its reputation with administrative employment. They had me come in to take the usual typing, data entry, Word and Excel tests designed to make sure you’re not an idiot. I was surprised yet skeptical to hear they already had something I could interview for the following week. When I got to the interview, there were ten other people from various agencies. All but one person were at least 30 years old, the oldest in his mid-fifties. I didn’t get the job because I arrived one minute late, but they probably needed it more.

Still on the hunt, I stumbled on an absurd Craigslist ad from a couple looking for someone who had a stump grinder to grind the stump in front of their house. I decided to respond via email, even without having the required equipment and had a little fun with it.

Subject: “I’ll grind your stump…”

Body: “…If I have to chew it out of the ground. I don’t have a stump grinder, but if you have a shovel and/or something like an ax, crowbar, or maybe even just a trowel, I’ll beat that stump so far into the ground they will need to hire someone to do the same job in China. Really, I’ll get it out somehow.

I’m a recent grad from UCSB trying to find a job, and it’s proving to be impossible. Everything either requires experience that I don’t have, or in this case, a stump grinder that I don’t have. So my plan is to convince people that I can still do their jobs even without having met their requirements: I am a reliable worker with strong limbs, have a decent amount of upper body strength with solid trunk support, have experience with manual labor, and am proficient in the use of many hand/gardening tools. I am attentive to detail and work well in teams or individually to get to the root of any problem. Grounded work ethic and ability to find creative solutions to tough problems. Passions include carving, staining, and sculpting wood. Down to earth. At least I gave you a laugh, so if you don’t want to hire me, I ask that you pay it forward and make someone else laugh.”

They never responded, but nevertheless I still cling to the idea that somewhere out there in the vast expanse of America’s workforce is a job meant for me. Until then, I suppose it’s fingers crossed."


Since writing this I have still not found a job.